Dear WordPress! Happy Birthday, but fuck you.


Dear Press,

today is your 10th birthday and we now know each other for a very long time. We quickly became friends, but we knew that it was more than just that. From friendship we slowly moved forward and it became something. Sure – as things usually are – we had our ons and offs. Every relation has those times. But, to be honest, the last time was tough for me. I understand that you can’t read my thoughts, but too often I feel misunderstood and can’t get rid of the feeling that you aren’t even trying to understand me.

Today, I wanted to do something with you. I haven’t had a lot of time and as you always promise to be simple and easy to handle, I choose to spend my time with you. Remember when I asked you for one of the images I borrowed you? You wouldn’t just hand them out to me, but you seemed to be willing to give me a hint. A pointer to the location where I could find them. I didn’t want to have more, so I was happy and asked you to get_the_attachment_link() for me. But that was one of the questions you don’t want to hear anymore. I’m used to the fact that you like to change your vocabulary from time to time. It’s ok, every girl needs a fresh look sometimes. So I didn’t stop there, but arranged myself with your will and asked Storm how else you’d like to get asked. He told me, that you like words like get_attachment_link(), the_attachment_link(), wp_get_attachment_link() or – if you’re generous – the_attachment_links(). I’m used to your overly wordy vocabulary as well and therefore – as I couldn’t figure out what those words mean – asked you one question after the other and tried to work around your rough answers.

Over the years I’ve seen every dirty corner of your mind, your core and your soul. I know you inside out and better than many others and I know that I can take a filter to make it easier between us. You always told me that I could do anything with you when I trigger the right filter. But today, when I took the filter to wp_get_attachment_link, I knew there was something wrong. You forced me to use six arguments to get back a simple string from you. But I used it. And got back nothing. In your core, you knew everything, but until I didn’t know the same and tell you that I know it, you wouldn’t be willing to give me what I asked you. Why? I ask you: Why? Haven’t we been friends and even more than that?

No, we haven’t ever been in a real relationship, but we spent days and nights together and sometimes really had fun with each other. With laughed and cried together. We were in the Cafè, in the park, in the studio and met with other people as well. People came to visit us, left nice comments and we chatted together. But today was a tough day.

You know that I’m not jealous. It always was ok for me if you date other people. I even told a thousand and more of them how to handle you. Yes, I dated others as well. Some before you, then some in between. Some that I made myself and some that were introduced to me. Really hot models like Symfony or Silex that love to get dependency injected. Those are slim inside out, while you’ve grown a fat bloke on your outside. They talk to me in anyway way I want. And they adjust to what I want. They’re modern and use every technique, while you prefer to talk to me in a language that is that old that it already seems foreign.

To make it short: I don’t love you anymore. You’ll meet others who fall in love with you. Let’s just keep it professional. But no worries, I won’t let you go. I’ll be there and wait for you, my dear Press.

Yours, Kaiser.

If you want to talk to me about my love/hate relationship with WordPress or just want to drink a few beers and start a bare-knuckle fight because of that fat girl, then you can meet me at the Anniversary Party in Vienna later this evening.


    1. Ah, yes – how could I forget about that one? I’m just glad that I considered using get_attachment_innerHTML(). ;)

  1. Why not just hack into the WP core such that you wouldn’t need to make six arguments at once? There has to be some way to make a function that could do that quickly.

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